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Things you should know about my mother

• Very sweet, very smart, very professional.

• Has two primary modes: Martha Stewart and Mominator.

• Loves recreational baking. Specialties include pralines, fudge, Texas chocolate cake, Italian cream cake, and a custard-based banana pudding.

• After my father left, married her original college sweetheart, my stepfather George.

• Once walked into a car dealership and said, very politely, "This is the car I want, and I want it in California Blue, and I want it with a moon roof, and I want it for this price. Someone in this town is going to sell me that car. It can be you, or it can be someone else." And got it.

• Loves dogs, the Jack Bauer Power Hour, and Clive Cussler novels. Also movies about submarines.

• And Bond movies. But not Casino Royale.

• Seriously, hates the Daniel Craig Bond so bad I can't even tell you.

• On the other hand, obsessively loves Jack Sparrow.

• Loves movies in general, but cannot remember the names of them. Ever.

• DETESTS SPRITE.

See also

• conversations with my mother
• Blocks of Wood
• Buford on the Savoy
• Gerald
• militant Clive Owenist
• The Passion of the Limeade
• The adventures of Sawyer and Pthoolhu
• The Schoolteachers Don't Earn Much Around Here
• V for Vendetta in Fifteen Minutes, in which she appears