"I'll do it, then. I look forward to meeting your grandmother. When may I call on you?" I am serious, y'all, Bill is adorable. In a dead kind of way. ("The First Taste")

"May I kiss you goodnight?" Bill adorables. ("Mine")

Back out in the bayou behind Merlotte's (every restaurant/bar should have one, I think)... ("The First Taste")

Bill pulls off onto a lonely little dirt road. I mean, it's like two feet off the main road; it probably leads to another bayou or something. ("Escape from Dragon House")

And out in one of the 16,000 bayous local to Bon Temps... ("Burning House of Love")

"Oh, that vampire who lives in the old Compton house?" "The Compton house? You mean right across the field from my house?" Why yes, Sookie, right there on Convenience Road! ("The First Taste")

(S)ometimes he can "glamour somebody into letting me feed on them for love." Is this anything like dazzling? Because I want a front-row seat for this. ("The First Taste")

Sookie wants to know more about this glamouring stuff, but Bill's never done it to her and he never will, he declares stalwartly. Sookie's all like, DO IT! DO IT! (...) Bill collects himself and then, I swear to God, he zeroes in and INTENSES at her. "Can you feel my influence in your pants?" Sookie bursts out laughing: "No! Sorry." That's right, he tried to dazzle her and it didn't even work. ("The First Taste")

And then they get to making out, finally. Except that Bill gets a little too excited (aw, premature fangulation), and it's time for Sookie to go home now. ("The First Taste")

Well, it's hot in theory, because in practice, the True Blood vampires move really fast (as movie vampires often do), and the jerky speed-mo the show uses is really dorky (as vampire speed-mo usually is), but it's super dorky when you're watching a bald, tattooed vampire humping some girl. While waggling his tongue and mugging at the camera. ("Strange Love")

"What are you?" he demands huskily. (I should mention here that Sookie's vampire has this particularly sultry, husky-rough, broodsome tone that he uses off and on. It's pretty much got flashing neon lights reading SEXY VOICE, I AM USING IT NOW over it. What makes it really funny is that you sit there and go, "Hee! He's using the SEXY VOICE again! How obvious can you get? It's like... a parody of... omg it's working.") ("Strange Love")

Well, except that it's about a quarter till sun according to Bill's watch, and he's got to go, but he sexyvoices that he will return. ("Cold Ground")

So finally the sun's all the way down and Lafayette and Tara are trying to clean up after the whole town tromped through the house that morning with their nasty-ass bad juju food, and suddenly the Stackhouse front door slams open and Bill bolts through the hall and up the stairs in speed-mo. This itself is not necessarily that hilarious; I can think of a number of effects you could use to make this something other than supremely lame. Such as, for example, a vague blur, or just having the door fly open and not show Bill at all. This show, however, did not think of any of those ways. It's like they just had Stephen Moyer run up the stairs and then sped up the footage, because when you want to show your vampire hero racing to the side of his damsel in distress, you want it to look like something out of Benny Hill. ("Cold Ground")

He explains that vampire blood will OPEN UP YOUR MIND. It is "the life force of a vampire. Our blood sustains life; this blood IS life." He sits Jason down with a vial of blood from his car, because Lafayette just does not know when to leave well enough alone, and pours out four or five drops of blood ("Now I ain't sellin' you no whole vial until you learn how to use the shit right"), each one on a tiny square of paper: "Pure, undiluted, 24-karat life. You have to let it take you deep... follow it... soak it in." ("Sparks Fly Out")

Sad Sam's Sad Trailer. The werecollie returns home and... plays catch with Sam? Very clearly, the two of them together in the same shot? OH WHATEVER, SHOW! Sam is the werest collie that ever werecollied and you can't tell me otherwise. And it's totally cheating if you get your doggie BFF to pick up a stalker shift for you, SAM. "Aw, hey, what's up, my brother?" Sam says, ruffling the dog's fur. I AM TAKING THAT LITERALLY UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. ("Mine")

Back at Merlotte's, Sam is getting his yearnings all over Sookie when suddenly everything goes quiet and the lights go down and sad, old-timey piano and ancient violins of woe (woevolins, if you will) start playing and in walks Bon Temps' first vampire. ("Strange Love")